Not your average granny.

When I used to imagine myself at age 70, the daydream involved such wonderful things as varicose veins, osteoporosis medication and lamenting all those tattoos I got in my 20s.

Now, thanks to Tina Turner, I have a new dream.

At 69 years old, Tina tore it up last night at her show at the Palace of Auburn Hills. She looked fabulous, belted beautifully and damn - those legs can still move with the best of 'em.


The production.

Certain parts throughout the show were less singing and more performing, complete with a pseudo-reenactment of "Thunderdome" with Tina in a full headdress and costume and dancers flouncing about her in animal skins while she sang the titular song.


Then, moving forward in time, we saw her slink across the stage singing "Golden Eye" after arriving on a moving platform.


It felt, at times, less like a concert and more like a theatrical production. Fireworks? Check. Huge explosions? Check. Three different moving platforms that often made the audience gasp at the sheer insanity of standing - scratch that, dancing - 50 feet in the air in five-inch heels? Check, check and check.

She toned it down for a while to do some slower stuff, including a phenomenal cover of the Beatles' "Help."

The outfits.

She came out on a platform that must have been 50 feet above the stage and lowered herself down, looking hot-as-ever in a black sparkly number. And she only took off her high heels long enough to change into another pair to match her next ensemble.

I counted around seven or eight outfits, including a sparkly red Betty Boop-esque mini dress, two different outfits with black, sparkly capris, a 70s-style flowing orange number, a black velvet gown that she ripped off mid-song to reveal her gorgeous gams and (my least favorite) a white, ruffled shirt and black capris that made her look less like a diva and more like a first mate. Ouch.

Nutbush (in rhythm now).

But who was paying attention to her pirate garb anyway when a portion of the stage that ran the entire length lifted up and projected Tina into the audience, where she proceeded to dance high above the heads of the audience?


She remained there during "Nutbush City Limits" while she tried in vain to get the crowd to sing "Nutbush!" along with her. Alas, it seemed the entire crowd had failed the rhythm portion of music class in middle school, because they could not, for the life of them, get the timing right. (A side note: The Kansas City crowd in the above video seems to have no problem with this. Come on, Detroit. Seriously?!)

The Tina 'tude.

While most 70-year-olds have discussions about oh, I don't know, mystery novels or their grandchildren, Tina is a dirty girl, and she's not afraid to admit it. Several times during the show she felt she had to make it known that she "likes it rough."

Yikes.

The Gay Factor.

I was surprised by the eclectic audience, and was pleased to see such a varied smattering of older gays and lesbians, 20-something gay men, and even a few leathers and bears amidst us. My own man-lovin' concert companion, Chris Azzopardi, was dancing to "Proud Mary" with me as we giggled and played "spot the gays."

And Tina was catering to every taste, too, with scantily clad girls AND boys on stage. There were "accidental" losses of shirts that revealed chiseled chests and perfectly-timed camera zooms on her dancers' gyrating hips. It was a crowd pleaser for sure, whether you like it young or old, gay or straight, easy or (like Tina) rough.



The moral of the story is: Tina kicks ass.


WE NEED YOUR OPINION: Chris says he liked the less theatrical parts, and especially wasn't a big fan of "Goldeneye." I disagree, and think those were the coolest parts of the show.

Your thoughts?